Fat and Angry

ESPECIALLY WHEN...

I found that turnip juice and bandaids go well with toast and eggs, especially when it's so hot you want to stab yourself with an icicle and twist it until you hear trumpets. From past experiences I've found that cliffs can really hurt, especially when you fall down one wearing a glass shirt and pants with nails stuck through them. I've found that getting shot in the arm really hurts, especially when it's with a flamethrower. I've found that getting ran over really hurts, especially when it's a school bus with thirty kids in it. I found that falling on a rake really hurts, especially when you fall out of a window onto it. I found that getting punched in the nose by your neighbor really hurts, especially when he's on steroids and that famous "weight loss" program. I found that getting hogtied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged across the Badlands of South Dakota really hurts, especially when the people that live in South Dakota consider the Badlands to be "their own little Mt. Rushmore." I found that falling on a bag of flaming thumbtacks really hurts, especially when the bag is on a bed of spikes. I found that sitting indian style for extensive periods of time damages ligaments in the legs which really hurts, especially when you're sitting on a dozen Micro Machines in Wal-Mart, with people watching and laughing, and you have no idea what's going on because you're too interested in that special Pokemon episode that's on the TV in front of you. Oh how I love Pikachu! I found that when you watch The Breakfast Club, it really hurts.....that's all!

MY STORYBOOK

One time I climbed Mount Everest, when I got to the top I played Twister. THE END

One time I was playing with a stuffed animal, then I dropped it in the garbage disposal. THE END

One time I ate a yo-yo, I went to sleep a happy guy that night. THE END

MIKE AND BoB

BoB: I need to wash my shirt, where's the water jug?
Mike: Sorry, I drunk it all.
BoB: Guess I'll just wash it in tea then!
Mike: I drunk that too.
BoB: I'll use milk if it's going to be that way!
Mike: I drunk the milk a few seconds ago.
BoB: Fine then, I'll just use the water in our toilet!
Mike: Yeah, about that..
BoB: What?
Mike: I'll go get some tea.

MY EXPERIMENT (CONTINUED)

Day 3, 12:02 P.M.

I've been trying to rip this garbage bag open for the past 6 hours but it just won't budge, maybe I should've brought my 2 year old sister's scissors with me. It's getting even hotter in here than before and my underroos are tighter than ever, I don't know how much longer I'm going to last....

Day 3, 3:27 P.M.

I've thought about eating my shoe a couple of times, but I've decided it's best if I don't move. My bladder's about to explode and I have no idea why, maybe it's my imagination...

Day 3, 7:51 P.M.

I heard people laughing at me outside the bag, I tried to yell at them for help but I noticed I had a piece of tape over my mouth and by the time I got it off, the people were gone, I could really go for some Kool-Aid right now.

Day 3, 11:01 P.M.

I HAVE A PLAN!

(TO BE CONCLUDED!)