| Standcom: Pilot by J2K Scene 1 Warren is making biscuits in his kitchen. He shapes them with his hands and then licks a finger off. Warren: Mmmmm Mmm! It was a good idea replacing the flour with dandruff. Lucky I had enough. Warren throws the biscuits into the stove, and then throws a huge lever to turn the oven on. Warren: Let’s see, let’s see, what’s next…. Someone knocks at the door. Warren: Ooh, I hope it’s more dandruff. Warren opens the door and Allen steps in. Allen: Hi. Warren: Oh hey. I was just busy doing the ol’ shake and bake, then I got the ingredients from doing that and made biscuits. Have a sit-down. Who are you anyway? Allen: I’m Allen, your best friend. Warren: Oh ok, makes sense. I hope you’re hungry, friend. I’m making my specialty, milk lasagna. Warren starts preparing the meal. Warren: I make it with extra milk for that “scrape your tongue off” aftertaste. I bet you’re sizzling in your pajamas just hearing about it. Allen: Well I’m lactating, if that means anything. Warren: That’s always a good sign. I like signs. I might put a few in my next milk lasagna. Allen takes an apple from a basket on the table and takes a bite. Warren: Don’t fill up on healthy food; your arteries need plenty of space for what’s coming. Allen: This apple tastes kind of funny. Warren: Oh, I laminate all my food so it doesn’t get dirty. Allen: The first bite was a chore but I’m beginning to taste the benefits. Allen gets up and moves to the living room, turning on the television. Warren, confused, follows after. Warren: What, are you not going to eat my meal? You know that if I’m not pregnant and in the kitchen, I’m not a happy camper. Allen: I don’t want your gobbedlygook; I’m looking for tips on improving my skiing. Even square chinned ski veterans like me can improve, you know. Warren: Oh I know exactly what you mean. It’s people like me that have to give up their secrets just so phonies like you can say they’ve gotten better. Allen: When have you ever been skiing? Warren: I’m skiing right now. Warren makes skiing motions. Allen: Look at those arm movements. Looks like you’re King Kong running after a big banana. And before you ask, no, I don’t want any kind of horrible concoction involving bananas you probably have rotting in the kitchen. Warren: Don’t knock my Banana Hamma until you’ve thrown up at least thrice. And who are you to insult my ski techniques? I bet you don’t know how to ski at all, and I don’t like your shirt much either. Allen: How about this then, Warren. I give you a little quiz about the proper usage of skis. If you win, I’ll eat your milk lasagna. But if I win, you’re going to eat my milk lasagna. Warren: Oh as if you could even make milk lasagna. I just know you’d overcook the cabbage, and you’d probably set the syrup to cook instead of defrost, too. Allen: Get your ugly face out of mine you cookies and cream nightmare, I’ve had enough of your hoarse barking. Allen heads for the door. Allen: I’ll give you one day to study for the big test because I’m one heck of a guy. Happy skiing. Hope you trip and kill yourself a few times, jerk. Warren: Oh we’ll see who ends up jerking. Allen slams the door. (Star wipe to next scene) Scene 2 Warren enters his bedroom carrying a stack of books. Warren: I didn’t know they took blood as payment for a libary card, but I’m glad. He throws the books down onto his bed and lies before them. Warren: I think I can skip the basics since I’m so good at things. He opens a book. Warren: (Talking low) Adjust the aerodynamic generator…..tighten the Mueslix…jump every time Target makes a sell….honk if you love Elvis...(Talking normal again) Yes, yes, my brain is filling with knowledge. I knew this stuff couldn’t be as hard as Peekaboo Street makes it look. Just a few more hours of pure, concentrated studying and I should be right as rain. (Flip transition) Warren snores heavily under a massive pile of books on his head. The phone rings, making Warren jolt up, throwing books all over the room. He runs to his phone made of Dixie cups and fishing line. Warren: Warren residence, home of the Warren. This is Steve, I mean Warren. Fast gibberish can be heard on the other end of the line. Warren: Uh huh….mhmm…oooh… The screen splits up into two, showing the other end of the line. It’s actually an old black man talking with a deep voice. Pappy Martin: And that about sums up my last bowel movement, any questions? Warren: Yes. What are the secrets of skiing? Pappy Martin: I knew you would someday ask me of this, child. Therefore I have prepared a guide to help you achieve your goal. Warren: That sounds g-oh hold on I have someone on the other line. Warren puts the cup down and picks up another cup connected to the others. Warren: I’ve told you a thousand times Mr. Kaguki, I’ll have your butter beans next week! Don’t look at me like that! Come on take that hat off! Take it off!! Oh yeah? Well mine bounces! Warren throws the cup down and picks the other one back up. Warren: Are you still there? A tongue comes out of the cup and licks Warren in the face. Warren screams and laughs, then Pappy Martin chuckles. Pappy Martin: I guess Patches really misses you! Warren: Aww Patches misses daddy! Just tell him I’ll give him a nice flea bath and grooming when I have time. Pappy Martin: Well he just left for school but I’ll tell him when he gets home. (Clock wipe to next scene) Scene 3 Warren and Pappy Martin are in a dojo wearing karate gis, they stare at each other intensely and bow. Pappy Martin: You have learned quickly, but I must make sure you’re ready for the test. Just remember the ultimate secret of skiing: Christmas. Warren nods and bows again, taking a strap from the floor and putting it around his neck. He lowers his goggles to his eyes and begins to be pulled by a magical sled driven by Santa Claus. With a hearty ho ho ho, the sled lifts into the sky. Warren masterfully maneuvers around clouds and airplanes as Santa throws presents out of the sled and laughs jollily. Warren: What is the next step? Santa turns around in his sled and gives Warren a knowing wink. (push transition) A montage is shown of Warren jump-roping while wearing the skis, competing against John Force in a drag race with them and winning, pulling an ocean liner on them, and moving across a roller coaster track and doing a loop-de-loop on them. (Exclamation point wipe to next scene) Scene 4 Allen knocks on Warren’s door giving an all-knowing chuckle. Warren: Come in! Allen opens the door to see a chiseled Warren standing in front of a bright light. Allen gulps loudly and slams the door behind him. Warren: I am prepared. Allen sits down and crosses his legs. Allen: Great weather we’re having. You know, I saw a cat on the way here. It was orange and it said mreoooooooooo- Warren: Give me the test! Allen: Ok ok! Let’s see here…oh yeah! What do you do if you can’t get your skis on properly? Warren: The true skier never takes his skis off. Allen: Oh…oh yeah, I knew that. That was an easy one! Now, if snow were to get in your eyes, what would you do? Warren: It’s common knowledge that all skiers put on blindfolds before they start so they can hit the piñata at the bottom. Allen: Huh? Oh yeah, that’s corre- Warren: You’ve never skied in your life! You’re a big fat phony with no speed dial just like I said! Allen: Fine!! I’m not a great skier! I’ve never even seen snow! What are you going to do about it? Warren: I thought you’d never ask! (Al Roker transition) Allen is clumsily skiing down a hill and hits a ramp, he flies through air and lands in a gigantic piece of Milk Lasagna. Credit roll with canned standing ovation. THE END |
